Being the Protector in Relationships and Marriage: When Should You?

[David Cunningham]

Men are often over-protective of women. It’s in our biological “wiring” in our brains; we’re compelled to do it. However, there are times when that urge must be fought off…

I’ve been working closely with one of my top “students” as he makes a dignified exit from a situation in which he and his soon-to-be-ex are grossly mismatched and have determined that there is just not enough common ground upon which to try to hold it together and be able to treat their differences as complimentary tools.

It’s a pretty typical story of an extremely intelligent and analytical male hooked up with a not-quite-as-intelligent and overly-creative, emotionally-driven female. And before anybody starts sending hate mail, I’m saying it is the mismatch that is typical, not the female being not quite as intelligent as the male. During good times they get along fairly well, but when trouble comes, she grossly over-reacts, and then gets caught up in that emotional validation thing that women fall prey to, wanting to believe that an emotion justifies itself and demands repentance, atonement, and a permanent change in behavior on the part of the man when it was her choice and behavior that was the problem.

She becomes very morally ambiguous and even hypocritical in trying to defend the bad choices she makes because she over-reacts instead of either thinking things through or relying on his analytical skills to cut through the emotional madness and restore order. She went too far, then painted herself into a corner, and exposed a weak and deceitful character that he has chosen to stop supporting and enabling.

She continues to make very bad decisions and is digging herself a deeper and deeper hole, and he’s having a hard time not stepping in front of the train to try to save her. She’s about 40 years old with the emotional maturity of a 15-year old spoiled brat, and her biggest problem is that she needs to grow up and take responsibility for her life and achieve a thing or two to have some sense of self-esteem, so bailing her out of problems would work against her in the long run.

Now that you have the situation, let’s dig into our correspondence a little for a lesson for you to ponder, one which applies to not only to ex’s and soon-to-be ex’s, but often to a partner in a good relationship, children, other family, and friends:

Him: “I wouldn't dream of sacrificing my future in a doomed attempt to relieve HER heartbreak, but through all of this, I have never wanted one bad thing to happen to her. She may well deserve it, but I'm not that guy - revenge only interests me for fleeting moments. Part of being rational, I suppose.”

Me: “If she's earned a bad time, stepping in front of it to save her from it is just as bad an idea as giving her an unjust punishment in the name of revenge."

Him: “Thanks for mentioning that - I needed to hear it. There may be a newsletter in there somewhere, because I see men doing that almost as often as parents do it for their kids. It's going to continue to be difficult, particularly since she's [the mother of my son] and I'm reasonably generous, to let her wallow in her own mess. But I'll manage.”

Do you see the point? It’s part of a man’s make-up to be a protector, and sometimes we work too hard at that part of the job of being a man, so much so that we undermine the development of those around us, or weaken their self-confidence by inadvertently making them think that we’re trying to “save them” because they’re not up to doing it themselves.

There are times when we want to help, and try to help, that our help really isn’t wanted or needed, and is in fact offensive, as our wives and girlfriends, our children, our other family, extended family, friends, coworkers, etc., try to meet challenges and grow. Think about that…

If I could teach you only one thing in the rest of my life about relationships, it would be this: Self-esteem and independence come from only ONE source, and that is ACHIEVEMENT. Meeting challenges and coming out on top builds the confidence to stand alone and have a life, allowing a person to enjoy your company and share a life. Anything you do that impedes others’ ability to rise to meet the challenges of their life puts them one step farther from independence and one step closer to being a dependent, not to mention resenting your involvement in deterring their independence and self-esteem.

So what do you do?

No, you don’t just say “screw the world” and become a hermit so you don’t impede anyone’s ability to grow. Don’t’ be silly. What you must do is be patient enough to let others ask you for help before you go jumping in. If you can tell that somebody is in a bind, but don’t think they will ask because they are too proud, you can subtly offer: “Man, that looks tough (or “fun” if you think you can get away with it). Can I do something here?”

Asking in that way doesn’t force them to say they “need” your help; it allows them to say that you can be included, which isn’t demeaning at all, or could be of help, which is far less demeaning if they are trying to remain independent. It also allows them to say something like, “I think I can cover it, but if you’ve been through this and have any tips or tricks to make it easier, I’m interested,” or something like that. Whatever they say, they mean it, so if they refuse, just acknowledge their choice by saying something like “very well,” and DON’T add something that expresses a lack of confidence like, “You know you can call me if you change your mind.” If they change their mind, you’ll be the first person they call because you offered to help.

The hardest part about being a protector isn’t the protection, it’s knowing WHEN to protect and when to let somebody take their lumps and learn their lessons so they can grow. As far as your relationship with your girlfriend or wife goes, unless you are indeed with a dependent, they will appreciate you not smothering them and allowing them to give things a try before jumping in. It’s a vote of confidence in both their ability to perform and their ability to assess a situation and be adult enough and responsible enough to ask for help if they need it.

You have likely been told all your life that charity is a good thing, along with self-sacrifice. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you sacrifice justice, the principle of giving someone or receiving exactly what is deserved, no more and no less, to charity, the principle of giving the unearned to those who did not earn it, everybody loses. You lose the life that went into creating whatever you gave away, and they lose the opportunity to feel better about themselves by having attained something of value by their own mind and effort. It is a strong sense of justice, not charity or punishment, that makes for the most effective and respected leader.

By and large, women are neither weak nor stupid, and they resent the hell out of us when we treat them as if they are. They may not do things the same way we would, and at times may not even come close to doing them the best way if it’s something mechanical, but they usually can get it done, and being social in nature, they have no problem with asking for help because it turns it into a social event. However, when we let them see just how far they can get on their own and they make something work, they feel better about themselves, and they have not only a boost in their security and self-esteem as a result, they also have BRAGGING RIGHTS, which is not something we men have a monopoly on by any means. And bragging is by nature a social activity, right?

And what are bragging rights to a woman? RELIEF FROM BOREDOM THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO PROVIDE! So wise up and take advantage of one of those rare and wonderful things that makes something good happen without you having to work your ass off to make it happen. Speaking of rare and wonderful things for you to take advantage of, about a third of the members at our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, are women who are there both to learn about us and to help us learn about them.

They’ll answer any question; all you have to do is man up enough to ask, and you’ll find out that in some ways, women aren’t that different from us; in others, they seem like they’re from another planet at times. (An old friend of mine used to say that there’s something on that extra leg of that second “X” chromosome that really messes women up!) Understanding our similarities and our differences are equally important in the quest for a happy and lasting relationship and/or marriage.

There are some things that are very masculine, some that are very feminine, and some that are simply and supremely human, and knowing these differences can make the difference in you being with a great woman for a lifetime and you being alone and strapped with alimony and child support payments while everybody in your former family except you enjoys the house that you worked (and are still working) to provide, so I strongly suggest you get wise, and fast!

The fastest path to such wisdom is "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," waiting for you in an instant download at http://www.makingherhappy.com. Get it while you can, because you never know what tomorrow may bring…but you can always hedge your bet with good information, if you can find it, and this is it!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham "Being a man is something to which one should aspire, not something for which he should apologize." --David Cunningham

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[Think-First]

How serendipitous you chose this today.

There's a regular customer at work who comes in often and I've mentioned to you before for many reasons. If there's one thing that's for sure she's looking for me to step in and "rescue her." She's been in an abusive relationship for many years, they have 6 kids together and he's got a serious anger issue that has resulted in more than one visit to prison or jail for the beatings he's given to those who riled him up. The problem is it's often more in his imagination than reality.

Now while working with her to guide her with action steps to free herself from that, seeing the progress she's made I got a visit from her today that a few short years ago I would have rushed in in an attempt to "save her." Now while she had made such amazing progress once she did remove him from her life, it turns out she has slowly been letting him back in. It was so easy you see. The kids missed him, he would come over to watch them while she worked then leave, then his stays got longer and longer and slowly he worked his way back in. It was convenient and saved money desperately needed for bills that was going to a baby sitter. His morning job seemed to fit perfectly and appeared to go okay.

Then she began to fall into the trap of old behaviors because it was just too easy. Then he takes her paycheck and goes out on the town and when confronted, begins to slap her around. Now she's afraid to call the police because she'll lose the kids to Child Services, again. And she may not get them back this time because she was warned to limit his exposure to them after the last episode.

Now despite all the anger and justification this guy is a scum bag of the worst sort, it's her decisions to keep allowing him back in that keeps this situation bad and allows it to get worse. She's had counseling, training, behavioral sensitivity to understand why she falls back in with him and it takes for awhile yet he reappears and one way or another she allows him back in. The pain, anger and frustration are clear and her desire to be saved from it all is transparent. I do my best to remain objective without judgment and also keep myself no where near stepping in. These are her decisions and I can't fix it for her. She's had offers of help from friends, family and other organizations if she stays away from him. She won't.

Yes there's lots of reasons that would appear to justify helping her. But as I reminded her today the only way for her to resolve this begins with her decisions. There's nothing anyone else can do. I know it's not what she wanted, what she was hoping for or what her many offers of other things indicate if I would step in. Yes he knows who I am, I've met him on several occasions in better times. But I know all too well there would never be a good end to this or if her and I did hook up as she makes clear she wants it would be anything but an endless series of problems from beginning to end.

I'm not going there. A few years ago I would have ridden my white horse into disaster believing I was doing the honorable thing. The bottom line is you can't rescue people from themselves. The only ones who can do that begins and ends with their decisions. I've done this before and I'm still paying the cost years later. Yes I'm angry and frustrated this piece of trash is allowed to walk free from all the things he's done by courts and judges who believe he is "oppressed." Give me a break.

She chooses, pays the price, breaks free for awhile then goes back for more. I can't fix that. As you illustrate here so well, I see all too often in those who come in. No matter how tempted you are, it ends badly for everyone and the one you're trying to help never learns to break free, step up and feel the confidence doing so brings with it. If you do they only learn bad behavior can be rewarded with no consequences to pay for making bad decisions. That you can always find someone willing to step in and save you. You don't help them you only sink them in deeper. Only now you'll sink along with them.

If anyone needed one, this is just another example of WHY you don't step in. You don't make a bad situation better, you make it worse and involve more people. Not what you intended? I'm living proof of its truth. DON"T GO THERE!!!

As usual David you nailed this one perfectly. I wanted to add some personal examples and if anyone wants to talk to me about just how bad it does get, notify me.

Thanks David, this is absolutely crucial for nice guys and white knights to understand before it's too late for them.

[David Cunningham]

As an aside, did you notice that her behavior is addictive behavior? She has something she knows is bad for her, breaks away from it, then takes it up little by little on the premise that the addiction can be "managed" and has a dozen excuses to cover it, afraid to call the cops for the same reason a junkie would be afraid of getting busted on a possession charge, rejects offers of help conditional upon giving up the addiction, and wants somebody else to take responsibility for her problems and take care of her -- entitlement mentality.

The point? Addiction doesn't have to involve substance abuse. Some people are addicted to high adrenaline levels. Some to attention. Some to other forms of self-destructive behavior, like serial unprotected sex with strangers. And no matter what their addiction, YOU can't save them. You can do one of two things: you can enable them and be sucked dry and ultimately discarded when you have nothing left to give, or you can steer clear. There is no other option. You can't make them love you enough to straighten up for you because they don't love their self enough to steer clear of their addiction on their own. Helping people with relationships with addicts and personal relationships with people with various forms of addiction has proven to me that I don't want one in my own life. Life is too short to spend it enabling the reckless behavior of a self-destructive self-hater, and if you think that any addict doesn't hate their self, all you need to do is ask yourself how anyone with self-love could do the things they do.